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Sex after children is a bit like life after death…

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Sex after children is a bit like life after death. Nobody knows for certain that it actually exists. Some claim to have proof of its existence. Some people even claim to have experienced it, but the amount of sceptics outweighs the believers and even amongst believers there is a level of doubt.

This is one blog post I hope my parents won’t read! I debated (in my head) for a long time before writing this, but the honest truth is that it is a very real problem. And so I am taking the plunge here with some non-sexual risky behaviour.

To be honest I still am baffled as to how my beautiful daughter came about, and even more flummoxed at her being created around the time when my son was only 4 months old. I can only blame a dangerous cocktail of sleep-deprived insanity and copious amounts of red wine. (Sorry Mom!) When I see families with more than 2 little people I not only marvel at the calmness of the mother, I’m also utterly amazed at how she found the energy to actually make number three, number four and sometimes even number five. But how?

It will do no good talking about the problem. But talking about a solution may be equally useless. Some people read racy books. I myself have taken ’50 Shades of Grey’ from the bookshelf at Exclusive Books, I tentatively read one page and then nearly vomited in my mouth at the crappy writing. But it works for some. Other people invest in toys. For me that poses a huge risk in that my crazies may find my stash of kinky toys and bring them out while we have my in-laws over for tea. Some people wine and dine and make an admirable effort boosted by what I can only imagine to be a very strong pill of some sorts to keep them awake. And others have thrown in the towel; they simply call it a night with a brief kiss on the cheek and a finger keeping place in a good book.

During my run this afternoon I figured out the main cause. There is a vein that runs from your big toe, through your knees and stomach, around your heart and into your brain. The end of this vein is connected to your prefrontal cortex. The less you sleep the more your prefrontal cortex pulls at this vein. But sorry for you – at the very same time at least one crazy little person is also pulling at the other end. This creates such extreme tension that you lose all desire to please another human being since you already feel so very in demand, but not in a good way. This vein causes you to feel that every person wants a piece of you and so your loss of desire starts in your head. My medical explanation is of course utter bullshit, but so are no sleep and zero me-time. You are welcome to quote me on my solution to your partner tonight though. The point is that you are not alone, most couples go through this. And as with nappies and tantrums and getting up at 4am, we all will survive by telling ourselves that this is but a phase and that this too shall pass.

If any of you out there have found a solution to this very real problem please share your invaluable knowledge here.

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1 Comment »

  1. You make me laugh my friend:) I agree it can be a problem but one that can be easily solved by some champagne, heeheeee works every time… okay jokes aside.
    The morning is a good time, that is on the weekends of course. I will slap on a dvd (in your case Dora) for the kids and then literally beeline for the bedroom, quietly lock the door and bob’s your uncle.

    Get a babysitter when you can and make sure doing the deed is on the agenda. Have a date night every month at least once. In the week, light a candle and sit outside, even lie on the grass and look at the sky, this is so romantic and be a real winner, hey even give the garden an x-rated show!

    Have a lights out evening once a week, so no electricity, and no books!!!! You know what happened back in the day of no TV…..

    I have allot more tips if you need them.
    Ill put them in email, heehee blush!

    Like

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