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Things I lie to my kids about

As seen on Fb: “Because I’m an awesome parent, I’m currently helping my kids search for their chocolate that I ate last night”. That really is me. And not a half-hearted search either; we will search until we find the discarded wrapper and then speculate at length as to whether or not the culprit might be Beast or the sleep fairy.
I remember writing in my diary as a teenager a note or reminder to my older self to never lie to my kids as they are not stupid (bold, underlined, exclamation mark, exclamation mark). Well that was stupid naïve me before I actually had kids.

These are some of the things I lie about:

  • The operating hours of Spur. Had I been an employee there I’d be very upset at the fact that they seem to be closed most nights. And sometimes we think they are open, but then they close suddenly.
  • The fact that their toys come alive at night. I get huge satisfaction from this, childish kicks really. I sometimes make the toys do things, one night I made the mistake of making Bailey’s dolls drive Kai’s trucks. Huge territorial fights about this. Lesson learnt (keep it separate, don’t mix toy interaction, like old apartheid SA)
  • What the principal of their school might or might not say about a certain hairstyle or choice of outfit. Mrs Gibson holds a lot of power and I often speak on her behalf as such an authority figure.
  • About what Beast said or is thinking. Beast is our dog and more intelligent than any of the paw patrol lot. Like an Oracle he guides many of our choices as a family.
  • About the sleep fairy. If one day the damage we do now manage to catch up to us in the form of extreme and expensive dental work that is needed, I vow to pay. And apologise. A lot.
  • I lie about what their food will turn them into. I one day told Kai that eating a jelly tot will actually turn him into a little jelly tot. The expression on his face was so priceless that I now regularly tell him that he might turn into a Simba Chippie (I sing this lie), or into a piece of chicken and so on. Sometimes he gets really upset to the point of crying and I have to promise that, no actually, it will only turn him into a happy boy.
  • About Santa and where he lives and how he operates. And I swear I will kick the child who spoils Santa for my kids on the shin. I don’t care how old he/she may be….
  • The easter bunny and tooth mouse. In our house a mouse will collect the teeth one day as mice are so much cooler than fairies. I’ll still build a story around the mouse when the time comes. It will involve wearing a speed helmet and traveling really fast. Mice are so cool.
  • About the death of that last insect you killed..they all join their mommy somewhere, a good thing clearly, as everyone this age still thinks being with mommy is cool.
  • About Stickeez, you all tell this lie. Even people without kids tell this lie. Where I work there is a hot market for swapping these ridiculous little pieces of plastic and as a young, single person you have some serious money making potential if you have sharkie or piggy or whoever in the collection.
  • About motorbikes – at a very young age I started to deliberately brain wash them into saying / thinking that motorbikes are stinky and noisy and just general yuk and that they never want one and that they certainly never want to ride on the back of one (clinging to a greasy boyfriend who will just piss off your dad).
  • That I just said “vark” not fuck. It really helps to be Afrikaans speaking here.
  • I don’t correct their mispronunciations; missappear makes so much more sense and things like Cinderella, bring it ho (instead of Cinderella bring it home) is kind of funny and spot on.

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